This has been a really tough week, and I did not get done all of my tasks for this weekend, so next week will be even tougher. The good news is that the feeling in my lower body has almost completely returned, and I was able to successfully rollerblade for nearly an hour today - I'm making progress there.

I did not get in any motorcycle riding because the gas tank had developed a leaky seam. Fixed it with JB Weld, but it needs to sit empty for a while to cure properly.

The struggle with getting transitioned from my old desktop (Vista Home Premium) to my new one (Win7 Pro) continues. I cannot get them to network with each other to save my life, and transferring everything via an external hard drive is a misery I was really hoping to avoid. The laptop I was supposed to have fixed already for a friend is also proving to be a real bugaboo...thank you Dell for making your service tag program totally worthless.

At work, my boss quit and left a mess behind. I will have a lot of expectations to manage as I pick up the pieces.

In my magickal life, for the first time ever, I abandoned a major working. I realized that I was doing something that should be done by others. I dropped it like a hot potato. I think I have seen evidence that it was picked up by at least some of the people whose responsibility it should be. There are two more windows of opportunity for others to join in this...I think it's working.

I'm working on a game development project that looks white hot. It will be hugely difficult and complex to launch, however.

There will be a disclosure of ET presence within days. These are almost certainly not the good guys. Stay tuned, I'll have more as this develops.

Lastly, I pulled the adamantium plating off my heart...which was probably a mistake, but one cannot love if one is closed up like that. My position is probably hopeless, but I have to allow it to happen if it will.

I am reaching the end - I can feel it. The next three years will determine where I will be and what I'm doing.

Whether of the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind or the precipitous leap into an unknown Abyss, it's time for me to get real and to make real.  I don't know what I'll be at the end of this process, other than "different." Make your jokes now and move on.  ;o)

...triggered by my bizarre fever experience, no doubt.  This one came on fast and hard and is fading just as fast.

Got up this morning feeling tired but otherwise pretty well.  I have been dragging since the fever, mostly due to lack of sleep.  I bent over to pick up a shoe and as I straightened up, I felt the vertebrae in my upper spine slide in a diagonal movement until they were very clearly offset by a lot.  The pain was intense because of the connective tissue that shredded, but it was a sudden surge in pressure in the spinal column that almost made me pass out.  I straightened up very slowly and started carefully rotating myself until things went back into position.  By the time I got to work, I was visibly limping and having a minor contracture and pretty serious neuralgia in my right arm thanks to the spinal pinch.  I was in a lot of pain, and 1000 mg of ibuprofen was barely touching it.  By afternoon, the connective tissue breakdown had spread to the usual places on my skin, which all split.  I became nauseous and weak, and had trouble concentrating, but the neurological symptoms went away entirely.

I know that sounds awfully scary, but all of those symptoms are typical of when I have an autoimmune flare up.  But they usually do not come on so precipitously, rather it is a slow decline over several days, and an even slower climb back out over a week or two as I use diet and supplements and conscious control to back down the overreaction.

Then, by about 9 PM, I felt the pain start to drain away and my energy level came up.   By 11 PM, I felt well enough to play with my dogs for a while.  Was it a friend whose ability with energy healing is remarkable?  If so, thank you.  Or was this autoimmune reaction as abnormal as the fever?  Not sure, but less than 24 hours later, everything seems to be healing at an incredible rate.  My neck and shoulders are still a bit stiff and sore, but I'm hoping that by morning, after I get to relax for a few hours, they'll be better. All of the skin splits have closed and one scab already fell off.  Now that is clearly abnormal.  I have always healed faster than anyone else I know, but those splits usually take two to three DAYS to heal, not eight HOURS.  Not that I really mind healing even faster...but I still have to note it as abnormal.

Oh, and another thing that is atypical:  usually I have similar trouble with my neck since it was nearly broken twice due to domestic violence when I was very young and was left weak and troublesome as a result.  This incident involved vertebrae between the shoulder blades, where I always have a lot of stiffness, also dating back to the same domestic violence, but never anything like this.  I'm reminded of several recent incidents in which I have had old injuries that never healed right suddenly come back...and then heal correctly.  I wonder if that's what's happened here?  Maybe an old adhesion broke loose?

Anyway, I'm off to bed, thinking happy thoughts about an idea that WILL change the world.  I'm at the Jubilee, clearly.


TURNING POINT:  Today marked the third reference to the letter Samekh in as many days:

The circular form of the samech symbolizes the fundamental truth reflected at all levels of Torah and reality: "their end is enwedged in their beginning and their beginning in their end." This realization and awareness of inherent unity between beginning and end, which, when comprehended in depth, implies equanimity at all stages of "the endless cycle," is in fact the manifestation of God's Transcendent Light (sovev kol almin), which encompasses equally every point of reality.  ...symbolized by the circle dance of the Tzadikim in the World to Come.  Remember "all your people will be tzadikim."  They will, too, no matter how many cycles, samekhs, it takes.

UPDATE 10/3/2009: The Samekh references continue.  Not daily, but nearly so.  We are way beyond coincidence at this point.

I was born in the Chinese Year of the Ox.  I have large Taurean influences in my astrological chart, too, I'm told.  So while it's easy to quip that I'm full of bull, it's also easy to recognize why I'm patient, long-suffering, stubborn, and slow to change or anger.

That last part has always resulted in confusion for me:  I know how long it takes me to reach a point at which I will respond to provocation.  Nobody ever had to tell me to count to ten.  By nature, when I am confronted - particularly if that confrontation is unexpected and unjust, which virtually all such incidents are since I do everything I reasonably can to avoid trouble - I either reflexively apologize (a bad habit I'm trying to break which does not indicate that I am actually at fault), or I fall completely silent.  That silence isn't deep at all; it's me going "WTF?!" internally and waiting for the other shoe to drop so I can hope to get a clue about what just happened.

Whichever I do, it pisses off the other person greatly, and again, I don't know how to respond to the new wave of anger, and apologize more or fall silent even longer, which pisses off the other person even more.  Eventually, I'll manage to say something lame like "I think we need to continue this conversation later."   Of course, later never rolls around and I'm somehow labeled as the bad guy.

I don't know how or why this happens.  Based on the type of energy exchange that occurs, I know that I say something innocently and this triggers some hidden issue in the other person, who then snaps at me.  At this point, I usually can respond with something like "I'm not trying to (whatever I was accused of doing).  Here's the point I'm trying to make."  And for some reason this makes the person even more upset.  Eventually we can't communicate at all -- the other person is fully in attack mode and all I'm trying to do is get things to stop or get away.  The person then goes off and tells everyone:

• what an awful fight we had (what fight?  you attacked me!)
• what a terrible person I am (I'm the same person I was before the incident, and you thought I was wonderful then...)
• how wrong they were about me (which always makes me wonder what they expected from me and what changed in their perceptual filters).

I've analyzed this pattern many times and still can't come up with an explanation.  It happens infrequently, but often enough that it's a pattern.  And also, it almost always happens only with people I like or want to have a favorable impression of me, and it happens much more frequently with women and men of a more feminine type.  Guys who are all guy don't seem to ever get into this cycle, which might help explain the overwhelming majority of manly men in my set of friends.

I wish I could make these females understand the following:
 

1. I communicate like a guy.  I'm not subtle, and I'm not going to understand subtle.  Any appearance of subtlety is probably due to me being tired or distracted.  If in doubt about what I meant, ask.  I won't be offended.
2. I don't do personal attacks.  I'll walk away every time.  If I ever did attack, there would be no mistaking what happened.  The smoking hole would be a dead giveaway.  No hole, no attack.
3. I will always tell the truth or I will refuse to answer.  I will not lie to you or for you.  I also will not tolerate being lied to or about.  See item 2 for possible consequences.
4. I am not interested in your husband, boyfriend, or significant other beyond friendship.  I am not using you to get to him - I'm just not into him.  I am so far out on the long tail of intellect and so unusual in my genetic structure that I find less than 1/10th of 1% of the males I meet even passingly attractive (yes, I did a three year study to derive that number - that alone should tell you something), and have only been strongly attracted to two men in my long multi-life history.  Odds are vanishingly small that your guy will be #3.
5. I am not lesbian or bisexual.  I'm not going to be convinced otherwise.  Get over it.
6. If you tell me a secret - and you tell me it is a secret - I will not divulge it to anyone else.  Do not attempt to tell me a secret in the hope that I will release the information for you - I won't.  And don't come blaming me if you told me a secret and someone else found out about it - they didn't get it from me.  Look in the mirror - odds are good you've been throwing hints around like rice at a wedding.
    

Whew. And lastly, don't do the following to me.  Seriously.  I don't want to know.


 

Last night's dream was a significant departure from my usual dream.  My dreams are always about work and problem solving.  I'm always so busy, so connected, so driven.

Last night, I arrived "home" after a long and tiring road trip - I had been working a lecture tour nonstop for a long time.  I opened the door and stepped inside to find the entire space filled with flowering plants.  Not cut flowers, which are dead, but living plants, and so many of them that it was almost impossible to step around them.  The air was very fragrant.  The lady I was with, a motherly sort who had been taking care of the place in my absence, commented that at first just a few plants had arrived, and then just before I got home, a deluge, and that many of them were from Enri, but not all...that I had touched a lot of people.  The dream ended when Enri walked in - looking gorgeous in the plain camel colored suit he sometimes wore in the pocket reality - and welcomed me back.

That was different.  I just wish I could have spent some more time with Enri...we hardly connect at all now that he's in the world.  His host has some challenges to overcome still, and I am trying not to push him, but the time is running short and I need him on board soon.  This display of effort was significant and very meaningful.  Thank you.

And thank you to the many unknown others who somehow got together to give me a nice surprise.  I needed that.

I've learned that when my Anunaki friends start giggling at me, something is about to happen.  As I've written before, sometimes what happens is painful, sometimes it's delightful, and sometimes it's just BIG.

This was a "Big Bang in a Teapot" kinda thing.

First, my reaction, which I posted on Facebook:
Here's how I put this together:

I have been stuck in a karmic double-bind mostly not of my making since shortly after I arrived in this Universe, and I know where it came from, but I couldn't figure out what to do about it. Every so often, I poke at it or try to sneak past it to get where I want to go - hopefully where someone will be waiting for me - and yup, it always wakes up and I get chomped (my alligators!).

I've been fretting a lot about being "Moses on the Hill" - the story is that Moses led his people all the way across the desert to the Promised Land, and finally they got there. He and his sons and closest advisors went to the top of a hill and looked down and saw the Promised Land and knew their goal had been reached. That night, Moses died, having never set foot in the place he had won for his people. I felt that, because of the intractable karmic bind, I would be able to lead others to their new state of awareness, their Promised Land, but would be left behind in the end, bound to another Universal Grand Jubilee of heartbreak. It's happened to me before, and I really could feel to my very core that if I got stuck here one more time I was going to be like the star that runs out of fuel and collapses on itself and becomes a black hole that sucks the light and life out of everything around it.

No way was that acceptable.

The Anunaki gave me the gift of a high fever which knocked my nervous system a good whack and took me offline in magickal and psychical terms as well as physically.  This gave me some time to stew. During this time I was presented with an ugly display of what happens when someone needs to let go of a malfunctioning energy bond and when letting go doesn't work, should forcefully CAST IT OUT to avoid hurting others as well as themselves. This example showed me what happens when one half of the bond has insight but lacks courage, and the other has fortitude but lacks insight.  Such was exactly the case with my situation:  I had insight but thought I lacked the forces necessary to make my will stick.  I had, after all, attempted every method of severing that bond known to man, lightworker, and magickian, including repeated Rituals of the Abyss, the last one of which took me on a trip that was not to be believed, and is documented elsewhere in my LJ.  Even then - the moment I "got back" - the forces were upon me again since they were woven in the first threads of reality and bias almost every causal interaction.  There was more of me woven into this Universe than I thought, and it was working against me.

So then I thought about when I had to make the decision to leave my marriage:  I was still committed and I still loved him, but he was no longer the person I had known, and the change that had come over him made him dangerous to me and to our children.  When it became clear that the choice was between leaving in disgrace and facing a kill-or-be-killed situation, I left.  And oh God, did I ever pay.  But it was the right decision.  This bond was like that, whether I wanted it that way or not:  commitment to first principles and love of the IDEA was holding me bound.  It was the only part of the karma that was truly mine, but it was the keystone...the pin that held it all together and fixed me to the Wheel.

I should remind you at this point that I am both a redhead and an ancient and skillful magickian.  This is not my first Universe.

I pulled the pin.

Ever seen an Anunaki give a high five (or a high six, depending on genetic predisposition to polydactyly)?

Imeban Keter Tzal is on the bridge.

Blue sky, warmish, breezy...nice enough, but the sky is simply swarming with lovely particles.  I don't know what they are, just that they are a good thing and very welcome.  I don't know anyone else who can see them, but I have watched them over a lifetime, and the days when they are present are invariably days upon which much good work and healing can be done.

If you want to know what they look like, find some pictures of rods...some look like rods, only really tiny, and unlike rods, they can bend and turn like a living thing (similar to undersea worms, for example), and other particles look like little comets and generally either travel in a straight or regularly spiral path.  Today's energetic companions are mostly rods.

This day is for me, since I am observing it, but I hope I can share it with my friends, too.  There's enough to go around for all.  :o)

Wallpaper (1024x768 resolution) made by me on a similar day last March, feel free to download and use if you like:

...with a sudden-onset high fever last night.

Here's the fun part:  as I was lying there, flattened, freezing, aching like I had been beaten by a prison gang from the inside out, and trying to figure out why I had a high fever in the absence of any other symptoms (and in fact didn't feel ill at all), I was presented with a model of what was going on.  Picture this:

I was inside of an energy matrix that took the form of an icosahedral lattice similar to the one at left, only more perfectly oval or football-shaped minus extremely pointy ends.  It was glowing gold and fairly sizzling with energy.

I was informed by my Anunaki healer friends that the purpose of this exercise was to purge me of all DNA that was either damaged or had embedded viral code.  I was undergoing massive cellular apoptosis as any cell that could not properly absorb and process the energies I was being bombarded with was either being blown apart or set to auto-self-destruct.  Let me tell you, this was painful!  I could feel the energy moving around inside of me and when it found something untoward...ZAP!  Yow!

The fever cycle lasted 12 hours, and I exited it visibly changed.  I will not go into the gory details, but I can identify several places on my body that once had mysterious pains (years ago) and now have visible excavations...what had been there isn't there any more.  Most notable among these is an area on my leg where I had nearly five years of constant pain for no apparent reason, and then about 15 years ago the pain just as mysteriously vanished.  Now I have a divot there, about an inch wide and four inches long.  I hope that fills in again...it looks weird.  I also ended up with a lesion on my lip which, based on the way it felt, probably was an outbreak of shingles.  Chicken pox virus nearly killed me when I was 23, and for a decade thereafter, I had outbreaks of singles every three months.  I am withholding judgment on whether this treatment "got" that virus...or whether it just activated it.  The lesion got substantially worse for 14 hours and then suddenly faded to almost nothing.  Shingles in my experience typically took a week to run its course.  Don't know if that meant the virus was destroyed or whether it just went dormant again.

I also saw evidence (no gory details on this either) of the mop-up efforts as now my body is clearing the debris, so yeah, what they said happened, happened.

Now the question I have is this:  since I have met at least one other person who has apparently been given the full Anunaki genetic resequence, are we all also getting the viral purge?  And why do we need to be free of virus and malformed DNA?  What's so important about that?  Is it, as has been hinted to me, required to be considered "safe" for in-person contact?  Does this mean such contact is imminent?  And what's to prevent me from reacquiring a viral load, seeing as we are fairly steeping in microbial soup?

Oh well, at least it isn't boring.

---

Postscript:

Of note is the involvement of cytokines in triggering apoptosis.  H1N1 kills by what is referred to as a "cytokine storm" which triggers random and uncontrolled apoptosis.

A few nights ago, I smoked the Aethyric Peace Pipe in the Dreamtime (in other words, I evoked using Native American symbols and asked for a dream of guidance), and went directly into the following dream.

I came home from work to a house I don't recognize but was definitely "mine" in the dream.  It was raining, and everything was drenched.  As I pulled into the carport, I noticed two small (~3 foot long) alligators were blocking my access to the door to the house.  They had tracked a bunch of mud onto the parking pad, and I was annoyed at that, but I was more interested in the novelty of having two small alligators so near.  I hollered and hollered for others to come see, but no one came.  Finally, I decided I needed to go into the house...it was late, I was tired, and alligators or not, it was time for me to go into my house.  I was unsure if anyone was home, and I considered that since no one came when I hollered, I must be alone.

Working in tandem, the alligators moved to ensure that I could not get by them.  It almost seemed as if they were playing with me.  I asked them to move, and they did not.  I shooed them, and they ignored me.  I prodded one with the toe of my boot and it gave me a disdainful look.  I stomped my feet at them, and they stood up on their  feet and swished their tails.  Finally, I took my coat and waved it in their faces to distract them as I walked past to go inside.  As I got close to the door, they suddenly shook off their lethargy and came at me, hissing and finally acting like alligators.

Only then did I feel any real concern, as I didn't think I would get my keys out and let myself in before they were on me.  The attack was half-hearted, then at the last moment - when I was just starting to worry that they might really bite - the door opened and Enri pulled me inside to safety.

I awakened, more than a little perplexed by the dream.

Turns out that alligators are important totems in both Native American and Mayan traditions, and they're a bit different sort of messenger than crocodiles.  Alligators are symbolic of ancient wisdom, primal energy, survival, and a patient and observant personality. Alligator people tend to be assertive and self-assured, but are subtle and not overly showy. They are confident in their own power and not afraid to use it, but are rarely aggressive without good reason.  That's how these alligators behaved.

I meditated on what their message for me was, and I heard - clear as could be - "they were talking to each other about you, didn't you hear?"

Uh, no, but then I wasn't listening.  BUT...I do have a mental tape of the whole event, and I've been running it backward and forward to find out what they said.  My, alligator spirits are subtle and quiet in their thoughts.  They were talking about me in the third person, sizing me up.  I'm not subtle enough for their tastes, it seems, but they did like my intelligence and the fact that I dealt with them without violence and didn't freak out.  The line that really haunts me is this one:


That resonated with the very thing I said when I went on the quest to begin with:  that I needed to be emptied out of the sad things that were stuffed into me so I could be filled with the happy things I do want and have earned.  Still don't quite know how to go about that.

The obvious approach has already been tried repeatedly:  letting go didn't do it...or as one of the Anunaki healers put it:  "Some things become a part of the bone, and bone is slow to change its substance."  Nice...just what I wanted, a diagnosis of more of the same.  "Can't you just zap me with something?"  That elicited a giggle and no answer, which I have learned means something is being set up but if I'm told about it, it won't be as interesting.  (The Anunaki concept of 'interesting' is very much that:  even when it's unpleasant, it's so intriguing that one almost forgets the unpleasantness and actually comes away feeling enriched by the experience.  A few times, the Anunaki 'interesting' was over-the-top delightful...and there's no way to know in advance which it will be!).

Go ahead, surprise me.

What am I looking at?

Set 1	Set 2

One of the above is mine, the other is someone else's.  I want someone who understands this system at least as well as I do to tell me what that indicates.  I will give absolutely no details, so don't ask.  Just read cold.

Thanks.

I've been anti-vaccine most of my life.  They always made me deathly ill and did the same with my children, and I contracted two of the diseases I was supposedly immunized against, so obviously shots don't work...at least on me.  My mother contracted Guillaume-Barre syndrome following a flu shot (she was already immune compromised from steroids for RA).  I refuse to take any shot at this point as I know that anything that gets my immune system upset will mean weeks or even months of autoimmune symptoms.  That is not why I'm saying don't take these shots.

The message from my Anunaki contacts could not have been clearer:  vaccines, particularly the flu shots they are pushing on us (but not limited to them) - are full of a retroviral and micro-RNA (similar to prions) payload that has nothing to do with the supposed diseases they are meant to "immunize against."  This concotion has everything to do with programmatic depopulation via cancer, depression, diabetes, heart disease, and a variety of other "unrelated" condtions.  And in a new twist, to prevent the evolution of the human species.  Yup, turn off those evolving codons permanently.  In what may go down as one of the nastiest ironies of all time, just as the human population is beginning to wake up to its enslaved condition, many will find themselves - and any children they may have - permanently locked in that condition - and chronic ill health and shorter lifespans - due to genetic manipulation via inoculations.

That's why I was aghast to read Jelaila Starr's "Nibiruan Council" message saying not to oppose the shots and going further to say that the experience is going to wipe out some sort of extraterrestrial karma.  I don't know what's she's "in contact" with, but I promise you it was not the good guys, although she is using the truth to tell a lie.  Yeah, it's almost certainly some ET formulation in there and not one bit of if is for our benefit.  Who willl benefit is Bubba's bunch that is so active here and figures that a population of whipped down, genetically stunted slaves will help them return to power and the lifestyle they once enjoyed here.  I linked up Starr's site on this blog a while back, and consider this my revocation of that link.  While some of her material is quite interesting, a klunker like that piece of advice means one of two things:  either she's channeling her toilet bowl or being a mouthpiece for something much nastier (Bubba/PTP).


For the record, I have been exposed twice to H1N1, including by a coworker who sits next to me.  I had a week of being tired, had one night of swollen lymph nodes (2 grams of vitamin C shrank them back to normal by morning) and several days of NASTY body aches and an occasional dry-throat cough, but no "flulike" symptoms.  I thought it was just overwork and mold spores (it's finally raining here and the mold count is astronomical).  Today he announced to the whole office what he and his family were diagnosed with (thanks for coming in when you knew you were sick, culo - I was wondering why you were eating so many mints...lemme guess, sore lymph nodes?), we started comparing symptoms and discovered that we all had the same stuff, with the exception of I didn't get the gastointestinal upset most of them put down to something they ate (I have a cast iron gut).  So, it looks like we survived H1N1 and didn't even get a sick day off, let alone a t-shirt.  Only the anorexic chain-smoker felt badly enough to miss one day.  I think I can say that most people are going to sail right through H1N1 with only mild discomfort and those whose diet and overall health is good may not even realize they are sick (like me).

A word to the wise is sufficient.  The whole Merriam-Webster Unabridged won't change a fool's mind...unless you hit him over the head with it.  ;o)

One of the great ironies in my life is that I am a rather good photographer, but when someone (myself included) tries to take a picture of me, weird things happen.  Mists on the image, inexplicable shadows that weren't there when the picture was taken, even a few instances in which the person in the picture was wearing my clothes but not my face.

This one is actually one of the better ones I've gotten recently, even though it looks eerily like the ghost picture I got last month (ectoplasm much?):



Flew right in front of my car across Highway 2222 just north of the road to Emma Long Park.  This was no ordinary hawk...the wingspread covered a lane and a half, and it was solid sandy-gold, not a bit of dark on it.  Apparently no one else saw it.

When I was little, I could levitate. Not a lot, just about a foot. I primarily did it to shift positions, like when turning over in bed. More rarely, I did it to keep from walking in something distasteful...and before the age of 3, when I finally learned how to walk, I used a form of gliding instead of crawling to get around. It always earned me a beating if I did it where anyone could see, and eventually I lost conscious control over it, retaining only the ability to lift, turn, and sink back down again when in bed. Even that was taken from me in my early 20s when a sustained high fever and brain lesions from chicken pox left me with damage that took decades to reassign and retrain compensatory neural pathways to cover.

Every so often, however, I'll have a dream in which I'm going about my usual business - which is working with people and solving problems - but interspersed in the dream is a segment of going from place to place in which I'm levitating. Maybe I'm just walking an inch or so above the pavement, or just standing still and yet moving forward as if on my own private moving sidewalk. Rarely, I'll go off vertical and move faster, but even in dreams I only do that when no one's looking because that ability earned me a course of electroshock treatments when I was 4. (Can't beat the devil out of you? Well how about 500 volts?) In these dreams, I frequently can't keep myself aloft, I have to repeatedly pull myself up...as if the damage still lingers even in dreamtime.

Well, for whatever reason - maybe an infusion of healing energy I was gifted with? - last night I spent my entire dreamtime levitated. I went from scene to scene, step by step, person to person, doing my usual connecting and coaching and problem-solving, but this time I did the entire course while a minimum of six inches off the ground. It was interesting watching the people's reactions...they were aghast, but thought they must have been hallucinating, so only one said anything. I joked that they shouldn't worry because I didn't charge extra for it (as if I ever get paid for any of it). While left alone in a warehouse where I was checking some stocking strategy, I took advantage of the privacy and levitated to the top of the stacks rather than use a ladder and sort of glided all over the place, and was tempted to fly out the roof vent but I'm a bit too dutiful even in dreams. ;o) The thing that struck me most was not only the pervasive nature of the levity, but the extreme ease with which I did it. It was almost effortless...not like it has been in the past, more like it was when I was really little.

No, I have not tried to see if I can do it in a waking state, but you can count on it that I will.

---

Followup: no, I can't yet consciously levitate, but something inside reconnected.  I had three episodes today of short (about 5 minutes in duration) "hyper clarity."  I don't know what else to call it, it was just sort of like being mentally unmuted.  I haven't been that awake since the chicken pox...I used to be hyper aware all the time.  All I have to say is that I hope things continue to reconnect; I'm going to need every bit of what I was born with back under my conscious control.

...may be the hardest thing I've done.  After too many lifetimes of being alone - this one has a singular talent for being alone in a crowd or in a "relationship" - it was my joy to find a being with whom I could actually BE as myself and not a reflection of their projection or a doppelganger for the great love who got away.  For the first time ever, I was there because I was wanted, me, myself, the one.  For two years we enjoyed almost constant contact...we were one another's Astral shadow and we taught one another until there was litlle left to teach, then we worked together in creating a plan that is now unfolding.  Part of that plan was for him to come into the world, and he did.

There was so much magick involved it didn't even occur to me until after the fact that I needed to manage my expectations.  I just expected that things would continue down what had been an interesting and sometimes arduous but always trusted and flowing Path.

[ sound of needle ripping across record tracks ]

Welcome to reality.  Enri's host is as strong as Enri himself - exactly as it should be: this was a fully conscious partnership, not a transmigration or possession - and has his own Path.  I'm on it, but now the road is shared with others.  Enri comes through clearly at times...still himself, still with me...but now he is blended with his host and must respect his host's will and work around and through his host's issues.  Which of course have found their energetic correspondences in me and resurrected a number of insecurities and old wounds that I get to deal with AGAIN...

By no means are things hopeless or impossible, but I find myself cutting through a jungle of lifetime after lifetime of broken promises and hopes and dreams that never came true and trying to find the strength to hope and trust and remain open just one more time. On the one hand, I must manage my expectations on a real-world level that recognizes that this world may not be able to support the kind of contact the Astral supported.  On the other hand, I must hold in mind what I really want - positively, quietly, and with trust, patience, respect, and an open hand that can graciously let go if the answer is 'no.'  Given my history, this presents a minute-by-minute intricate battle with inner demons.

And here I was hoping for a little shore leave.

---

Last night I continued in a dream a conversation I had in waking reality:  the subject of the conversation was how I am capable of taking on other people's pain, and that I do that frequently.  It was a revelation to the person I was speaking with, but I've been doing it consciously for many lifetimes, I just don't talk about it much.  It is a part of my service.  The discussion in the dream went into greater specifics about how this is unfolding in my current relationships, which I found interesting and useful.  The same person I had been speaking with about this in reality also had asked me if I sleep much (I don't) and whether I dream (I do), and asked me what my favorite kind of dream was...and I had to answer that I have only one kind - the working dream in which I am solving some problem.  That was such a lame answer and I hated to give it.  I know I was thought less of because of it.

---

Lastly, on the subject of sleep...since I don't get many hours I have to maximize the ones I do get, and lately have been having a real problem with staying asleep and waking up in pain.  My old bed is in perfect condition but is plainly too hard for someone who is built curvy like me...I am always waking up and having to move because the pressure on my hip and shoulder has become too much, or my back has become twisted because my waist and ribs are left completely unsupported.  So I went to Ikea and purchased a memory foam mattress topper yesterday and slept on it for the first time last night....OMG what a difference.  I slept through without waking once and got up without a single pain. They're on sale right now, so if you need one and have access to an IKEA, now might be the time to get it.

As I was writing this, I got a call from a friend who had gotten into my astrological profile and told me that I have the profile of one who has:

• spent a very long time in hell (understatement)
• has just escaped it (not so sure I have - I'm stuck in the Portal, neither here nor there)
• has done so bearing a load of positive works (probably true, not that it's done me any good)

There's great irony in coming from hell bearing all manner of golden karma and calling myself Keter, which means Heaven...I am past the point of exhaustion with being me, the inscrutable and improbable cliché.


I'm too worn out to run, not that there's anywhere to run, since wherever I go, there I am.  And a part of me regards my situation with the fascination a mouse has with the snake that is about to have it for dinner, only in my case the snake never strikes, the end never comes....so I have just gone numb, with only the memory of searing agony to remind me that once I had the capacity to feel...and knowing that if the circulation ever starts up again, I'll be right back in the fire, or at least it will feel like it because the burns require a balm I can't have.

Last night I asked the universe to send me a dream to tell me what I should do next, and it sent me a dream in which I was drawing a picture with pen and ink, something I haven't done in a long time.  I'm a decent artist, and the picture was pretty good, if entirely too much in the fantasy-art genre.  I haven't done fantasy art in at least 20 years.  What that meant, I have no idea.  So I am learning to program in Flash and I got the front suspension of my car - which I realized the other day I've had for almost a decade! - rebuilt like new.  Tangible works are obsolete as soon as they are done, and aren't the least bit like fantasy art.  Go figure.

PS - I'm not depressed, just really tired in every way possible.

...myself, and I - my experiences in my own life, outwards, inwards, mundane, and magickal. Occasionally I write about topics that affect a significant number of us, particularly when I find that the news media spin is getting in the way of the Truth. I trend-watch and occasionally post observations on those trends, and on the general zeitgeist and human condition.

I don't put coded messages in my writings, although I do have a sly sense of humor sometimes and will play with words. ;o) If you think you see a message in here that is aimed at you, this just means that you've found an area in which your personal experience is paralleling a larger trend or meme that is moving through our collective experience. If I have something to say to you, I will say it to you directly and in a personal communication, not in my public message space. I may, however, take inspiration from that interaction to surface information from my own experience that may be useful, and then offer that information here on a generic basis. The reason I do this is because, in a fractal Universe, it is likely that any given type of angst or affliction will be reflected in many people, and the interaction that brought the information bubbling up in my consciousness may not have been with the one who needs the information most.

A recent email conversation reminded me of a situation I found myself in a little over a year ago, in which a person with whom I had to work closely in my mundane job took my offer of friendship and assistance, twisted it around until it was unrecognizable, and engaged me in repeated strange conversations in which it was clear that he saw me as some sort of villain who was out to do something to him...everything I did (or did not do) was misinterpreted in a random negative way. He lied to me and about me repeatedly, spinning such a thick web of deception that I no longer could function at all.

I was attempting to learn from the experience while trying to keep a well-paying job I deserved to have and had enjoyed before he started the gaslighting, so I chronicled the effect it was having on me - without providing any personally identifying information about where I worked or the identity of the coworker. In the end, I took down most of the posts that dealt with my attempts to sort things out because I determined there was very little to be learned...I was dealing with someone who was toxic, insane, and manipulative, and nothing I could do was ever going to have a positive outcome as long as he was around. The only answer was to get as far away from him as possible...which I did -- I quit my job in the middle of a period of economic crisis and it was worth every dime it cost me!

The point of this story, and the lesson I think I can best teach by sharing this experience and my perspective, is this: that sometimes the problem isn't yours, even if it manifests in your life and costs you plenty. Sometimes nothing you can do will ever make things better. Sometimes all you can do is protect yourself by walking away, even from things and people you care about, even when the short-term costs are high.

In the end, this LiveJournal is about me, my journey, my successes and failures, my perspectives, my bullshit.  I own it, it's mine, and if you find value or meaning in it, I'm happy.  If it pisses you off or makes you feel sad, I feel sympathy for you, but I can only be what I am.  I don't make you read this, so like the TV, if you don't like what's on display, change the channel.  ;o)

...but you can't make him drink.  At least not until he decides he's thirsty.

Enri is learning this from his host(1). As the two continue the subtle process of combining forces and wills, the degree in which the host had been lost in the world of illusion is becoming apparent.  When we are young, we all have our hopes and dreams about what our lives will be like, we all project ourselves out into the future and imagine what that future will be like, what we will have in our lives, what our partner will be like, what our family will be like.  Some of us don't achieve these things, and as we get older, we start to get desperate.  We cling to the hope that "any day now" something will intervene and magically launch us into another timeline in which that imagined future exists for us.  So when we confront a reality that IS our true future (even when that is a really great future to have!), it doesn't look like the one we've loved for so long and so we reject it.  If we have enough sense to realize that it is in fact our true future and don't reject it outright, we are afraid of it.  If we don't have enough sense to recognize truth and mistake it as an Abyss, we run the risk of diverging even from the half-right Path we were on that brought us to the True Path.

Enri's host is in that middle stage.  He sees the Truth, and he's afraid of it.  Part of him (Enri's part, probably) is ready to begin, another part is too afraid and overwhelmed by the change and wants to walk away.  To him I offer a hand:  the same one he took briefly in an astral meeting, and that let him go when his fear became too much.  He has his Bardo to face, and I'll still be here when he gets through it.

Why does everything have to be such a struggle?  *sigh*  Well, at least it's going to be a documented struggle, so others who may face it can know they're not alone.

----

(1) I know it sounds awfully cold to refer to a magnificent human being as "the host" - like a thing - but it's the best I can do without revealing an identity, which is not mine to do.  I am documenting the process so that others can use the snippets I provide as a guide if something similar happens to them.  Having been a conscious walk-in host (where the transmigrating soul co-exists with the original soul with both fully conscious), I know it is a very tricky thing to do, and I foresee that there will be more of this sort of intervention in the near future.  Thus the attempt to capture useful bits of it in a clinical and scientific way without spilling personal beans.  Please believe me when I say that behind the lab-writeup style there exists significant compassion.

UPDATE - 9/26/2009: Re-reading this, I am again reminded of the inadequacy of words to convey profound experiences.

The unbinding of the energy that held me (described earlier) resulted in a crisis of sorts: like pulling a loose thread on a sweater, causality unraveled some 7000 years of accumulated history in my light body, back to a trauma both profound and personal. I almost didn't survive to reach this point: nearly at the end of my resources and emotionally worn out, I only recently came upon a few real things I could build upon. The early events in this series had a razor's edge quality...one slip and all would have been lost. But I didn't slip, and as each milestone was passed, positive outcomes accumulated and biased further outcomes in my favor: the Path became clearer until it became evident that I was receiving help from the Highest, Who obviously has been planning for this time for a long time in order to arrange the things upon my Path that made my current work possible. Unexpected but wholly welcome side effects of this interaction were reconnections with things I thought I had lost forever: Love, Hope, Joy, and Trust.

The sudden unwinding of 7000 years - back to the energetic state of fresh trauma but with an intact memory of long grief and recent renaissance - created a causal error condition: a light body completely at odds with Will, will, and my current reality. The energetic systems of my body began to break down, and manifested physical symptoms (cardiac arrhythmia). Knowing the problem to be energetic and not physical, I sought an answer.  That answer was...

Red Cosmic Serpent	I am literally a cosmic serpent, as I carry that genetic code.
I Endure in order to Survive	Which I did for a very long time
Transcending Instinct	The willingness to give up self to transcend limit is against instinct
I seal the Store of Life Force	Sorry, way too personal to share here, but 100% correspondence
With the Cosmic tone of Presence	The Presence was definitely with me
I am guided by the power of Universal Water	Enki / Ea / Enri is associated with the element of Water